Getting high from fecal fumes, Kilara grabbed her new pet, hopped on Ari, gathered the other two unicorns, and rode through another portal hidden deep beneath the roots of the largest and most disgusting fecal tree ever known to kryptonians. This tree is called “poopanomonsterosousonian tree”, which serves as a second gateway to her home on Guam, a hidden cave underneath the beautiful waterfalls of Talofofo.
When she arrived home, she literally smelled like crap. She morphed back to human form, and decided to take a nice cool bath in the falls. She stripped and dipped into the water, washing away all of the stinky poop from her royal kryptonian body. As she bathed away, her unicorns guarded her and her stinky Turtwig played in the water along side its new master. As she was about done with her bath, she heard a sudden splash!
She looked around her, wondering where the noise had come from. It wasn’t the unicorns, nor was it her Turtwig. Then out of nowhere, from the corner of her eye, she saw him. A young, tall, and handsome man, with a body so ripped it looked like his muscles were about to pop out of him. He turned and his eyes met with Kilara’s. Kilara blushing down to her toes, and still naked hiding in the water, did not know what to do. So, she swam underneath the falls and morphed into a fish, and stayed a fish until the man left the falls. Then she morphed back to human form. “Oh my little Turtwig,” she says as she turns to her pet, “Maybe I should’ve said hello.” She then decided to take a nap. In her dream, there he was once again.
Night came and stars were out. Kilara rose from bed, with images of this mystery man wandering in her mind. "Get out, get out," she told herself, hoping to be able to get over him. Little did she know about the place that this mystery man held in her near future. Her life would never be the same.
I really like the ideas, but this part doesn't make sense. In Chapter 1, Kilara leaves Guam after contemplating why she was there instead of trying to save her home planet Krypton. She sneaks away from the unicorns on Guam, goes through the waterfall then in Chapter 2 she catches her pokemon friend on her way through the feces-zon jungle on Krypton.
ReplyDeleteIn "Mystery Man", it doesn't make sense that she leaves the safe cabin on Guam, goes to Krypton, then goes back to Guam when she's trying to save Krypton. She also shouldn't have unicorns with her so suddenly because didn't she sneak past them in the middle of the night @ the ending of Chapter 1?
the story is nice, but it would be good to blend it well with the story.
My suggestions are:
1. Change direction of Kilara went (consider the fact that she left Guam to go home to Krypton)
2. Remember that the unicorns didn't realize she snuck past them in the middle of the night to go back to Krypton.
3. It may be too late now, but Kilara was "destined" to fall in love with a centaur (a mystical creature with the lower body of a horse and upper body of man) as a chosen decision by the EN111 class. It's good for now, but maybe we could kick up the story later and have Alvin (the Mystery Man) somehow turn into one. =]